Dark Chest Of Wonders
by Diminishing Rayne
Summary: My first fic. No pairings. Major oocishnessh. All of Naruto cast gets sucked into this odd realm where they act out fairtytales. Narrated by the Seven Sins of Naruto.
1. Down the Rabbit Hole

Dislcaimer: I don't own Naruto or any characters besides Rayne, or else if I did, no one would like Naruto anymore.

Rayne: Rayne as in Diminishing Rayne. Nothing in particular. Make up her looks yourself.

Chapter One- Dark Chest of Wonders

Rayne walked in, holding a computer printer-sized trunk made of wood. She beamed happily. She walked on the creaking stage, right in front of the entire Naruto crew she invited over. Everyone was there. She stared at them. They all stared back at her. She grinned stupidly at them. They glared venomously at her. Silence. Setting the box on a high table thingy, Rayne began to raise her hands to the confused crowd.

"HAHA! GET A LOAD OF THIS!" She opened the box.

Upon opening the box, darkness whirl pooled out from it, sucking up everything in sight.

"EEYAAAGH!" Naruto got vacuumed up into the dark abyss. Everyone screamed, besides those who tried to be angsty, COUGH like Neji and Sasuke COUGH, who just stood there and braced themselves to get sucked up.

Darkness.

Chouji, Shikamaru, Neji, Gaara, Jiraiya, Shino, and Tsunade landed in a heap in a black room. Shikamaru, the top if the pile, was too lazy to get up, had to get pushed off by Tsunade and Shino. Tsunade demanded a small fee of appreciation for doing his work. All of them glanced around. It was just a big black room with no doors or windows, with just on dim ceiling lamp casting light upon a long table and seven chairs. A sleek mirror was on the wall. The table had one giant book and a small looking glass on it. The seven chairs were those black wooden folding chairs that looked like those of Hollywood directors. It even had those white cursive letters on the back of them.

Neji read the backs aloud, left to right. "Envy. Lust. Pride. Sloth. Wrath. Gluttony. Greed."

The seven of them sat on the chairs, Shikamaru taking Envy since it was closest to him. Shino, Neji, and Gaara argued over who would get Wrath. Jiraiya joined them, only to get kicked out and stuck onto the Sloth chair, since everyone agreed that he was ugly. Chouji sat on the widest one, since Gluttony was the only that would fit him. It even had cup holders on the armrests. Tsunade just walked off to the farthest one on the right. Greed. She decided it fit her.

Eventually, Shino got angry and everyone ran away. He got the Wrath chair. Neji took the Pride chair because everyone else was too humble, and he also claimed that 'destiny willed it to be'. The only chair left was Lust. Jiraiya complained. He wasn't a sloth! Gaara wouldn't take Lust. "I wish I could have a better chair," he said.

Jiraiya leapt out of his chair. "Like sloths, whoever doesn't move gets the Sloth chair!"

Everyone except Shikamaru began to move like crazy. Perhaps he was too lazy to listen, or too lazy to move. Jiraiya had to carry Shikamaru to the Sloth chair. Gaara took Envy and Jiraiya took Lust. Shikamaru decided that being a sloth was pretty cool, since they had only two or three fingers on each hand, so it meant less nails to clip, less fingers to wash, and less numbers to count. Just then, the girl who brought them there came out of nowhere, and walked up to the seated seven.

"Hi all! I'm Rayne!" She grinned. They all glared at her, including Shikamaru who was too lazy to chance his expression after he got moved to the Sloth chair. Not seeing their expressions, she (I) continued. "I would like-"

Neji interrupted. "Please. Get it over with."

"To welcome you to the Sinful Seven Studio!" She continued, unaffected by Neji's urging.

"What's this?"

"You guys can help me write real fantasy death fics on your friends…and you!"

"And?"

"If you die, I don't know what happens. I never opened that trunk before."

Everyone just stared. They couldn't believe it. They were stuck in a no-escape room with some psycho girl who wanted to see what happens when the trunk opened. Silence.

"Why do we get these chairs?" Chouji asked.

"Because the seven of you have a sinful disposition that can add to the story."  
Everyone just said, "Oh. What now."

"Now, to start off…how about…The Three Little Pigs!"


	2. The Three Little Pigs

Chapter Two- The Three Little Pigs

"Okay. Sakura, Ino, and TenTen are the pigs. Temari's the big bad wolf." Rayne flipped the book open to the Table of Contents. Page 23 starts the story. She wrote down their names under Pigs, and Temari under Wolf. "Now, lets see what this book can do!"

The CD-sized looking glass began to glimmer, and then began to project the pictures into the pages of the giant book. It began with: The Three Little Pigs, in all that cheesy lettering, music, and background scroll thingy. They began to watch, as the glass began to speak.

"Once upon a time, long long ago-" It was cut short by Rayne. "Hurry up, we know this part."

"Fine. One day, Temari was needed to bake a cake for Kankuro. It was his birthday. She was out of flour in her den, so she sought the help of others. Just watch the rest of it."

"How can she live being hungry?" Upon these words, Rayne smacked Chouji upside the head.

"I wish someone would bake me a cake," Gaara said, "especially for my birthday…"

"Shaddup and listen."

Temari, with wolf ears and a bushy tail, was walking around, asking other villagers for flour. All of them ran away, so Temari was still left with nothing. She began to wander out of the main parts of the village. Sakura lived on the outskirts of the village, in a one-floor house made of straw, held up by the billions of Sasuke posters that she had so diligently put up. Sakura was allergic to wolf, so she would not let Temari in, or else she would sneeze and break out, therefore defacing her beauty, which was for impressing Prince Sasuke. Sakura complained about the elastic pig snout on her nose.

"Shuddup jOO tard! Play along," Rayne hissed.

Temari rapped the flimsy door a few times with her fan, and goddammit, the whole freakin' house fell! What kinda bonehead builds this crap, anyways? All she wanted was some flour! Sakura leapt out of the rubble, metal baseball bat in hand, dark Inner Sakura aura all around her.

"DESTROY MY HOUSE, WHY DON'T YOU!" Sakura screamed, running around with the bat above her head chasing after the wolf. She smacked Temari with it until she sneezed, and Temari knocked the bat out of her hand. Sakura turned around, screamed like a girl, and ran off as fast as her little legs could carry her. Temari ran after, trying to tell her she would buy her a better house to live in, but to no avail.

Tsunade pondered for a while. "If I were Sakura, I would have charged her double to rebuild my house, and get plastic surgery."

A squealing Sakura slammed into a fruitlessly gardening Ino, just outside her teetery stick home. It had two stories and was supported by billions of Sasuke statues that Ino had so diligently carried into her house.

"Abigbadwolfcameandknockedmyhousedownandischasingaftermerightnow," Sakura took and big breath before continuing. "AndIreallyreallyneedtohideinyourhouserightnow!"

So the two of them went to the highest point of the house, the second floor, which swayed to and fro, since it already wasn't able to handle Ino's weight, let alone hers and Sakura's combined. Sakura sneezed again, just as Temari reached the stick house. Swaying back and forth like a corn stalk, Ino's pathetic excuse for a house toppled onto a fear-stricken Temari. Sakura and Ino screamed like girls, ran over Temari and around the house in two opposite circles, hit each other, and fell on top of each other.

Jiraiya made a remark. "Hey! No foreplay in public areas!"

Neji shoved his foot in Jiraiya's face, his pride already tainted by the old pervert who was sitting next to him.

The wolf approached them to see if they were all right. The two little pigs sprung up, and ran off as fast as their little legs could carry them.

The two little pigs ran all the way to TenTen's house, which was made of titanium-enhanced steel. It was all gleamy and sparkly, just the way TenTen liked it. It had four floors, and loaded heavy artillery machines on top of it. In TenTen's yard, Sakura and Ino were running from the billions of anti-Sasuke underground mines TenTen had so diligently set up. They finally made it to the front door.

"TENTEN!" The two pigs screamed. TenTen opened the steel padlock door and let them in. Both of them told the story so far, each one arguing over what had happened and talking so randomly that all TenTen got was a jumbled up untranslatable message.

Temari walked the path Sakura and Ino ran so she wouldn't get blown up. The three pigs had climbed to the heavy artillery floor, Sakura with the wrenches, Ino with the bricks, and TenTen with the gatling gun. The wolf was just about to ask for flour when a brick dropped at her feet and a wrench whizzed above her head. Then she was chased away by the gatling gun, and ran into a series of mines. She eventually managed to escape, and ran off as fast as her injured legs could back to her own house.

Kiba glided up to the front door. Kiba was the grim reaper. He ends every story. His hood was up and his eyes were not visible.

"Visiteth upon ye extreme annilation."

He blew down the house and gobbled up the three little pigs. Temari soon followed.

And so, from this day on, all wolves despise pigs because none of them gave the wolves flour. Theme: When someone asks you for something like flour, don't be like those three little pigs.

"Well? Tsunade, you first. We go down the row." Rayne asked.

"Cheap."

"Fine. Chouji?"

"Pigs are good with A-1 barbeque sauce."

"You didn't get the point at all. Shino?"

Silence.

"Okay then, Shikamaru?  
SNORE. Shikamaru was fast asleep. Drooling.

"Whatever. Neji?"

"Horrible. Because f-"

"Fate willed it to be so. Yeah. I know. Jiraiya."

"Horny!"

Everyone glared at him. Silence.

"Gaara?"

"I wish I got to go first."

"Too bad."

END


	3. Kin Kanjii

Chapter Three- Kin/ Kanjii

"Alright." Rayne broke the silence. "Who agrees we vote Shino off the island? He's never made any good remarks."

Everyone but Shino's hand rose.

"I wish my hand was the first one raised." Gaara sniffed.

And with a poof poor Shino was gone. "Okay. Secret ballot." Rayne continued. "Who's Wrath? None of you can be though."

Everyone turned their ballots in, dropping them into a basket. It was supposed to be a secret ballot…but anyone could tell who wrote what.

"Kiba, since in his wrath he eats things faster than me." Chouji.

"Hinata. Fate willed it to be so! (And I must settle my hate for the Main House.)" Neji.

"Hinata, because she's so nice, and I'm sure she'll let me share the Wrath chair, but I wish I could have all the Wrath chair." Gaara.

"Iruka, since he gets nosebleeds from the Sexy no Jutsu. How cool is that? And he gets angry at Naruto many many many times." Jiraiya.

"Orochimaru. Now pay me." Tsunade

"Kin" Shikamaru. It was one of the shortest names in Naruto, and Ino was just too pushy to Shikamaru.

Rayne sighed. "Kin." Another poof, and an oddly surprised Kin sat in the Wrath chair. "Now I've got to give you some personality…um…here. A little poof, and then Kin got her personality.

"Screw the Kishimoto since he didn't give me any personality at all! Screw him! Screw him for giving me such a short name that even Shikamaru could write it! Rayne, you're my god." Kin snapped.

"What did you just give her?" Neji asked.

"WRATHFUL PERSONALITY!" Rayne screamed.

"Uh-oh." Everyone but Kin and Rayne said in unison.

"What?" Rayne looked around.

"Screw licensing! If Cartoon Network edits out the 'bad' crap in the anime, an episode would be only five seconds long!"  
"Agreed." Everyone. They shuddered at what was to come in America.

"Screw Kin, I'm Kanjii now. And I hurl wrenches, not shuriken!"

Everyone just stared. As long as they stay silent, they stay alive and unharmed. Neji and his angsty self cowered with everyone else. No one could pwn wrath.

Rayne sweatdropped. "Er…how about next story?" She laughed nervously. Seeing nothing flying at her yet, she opened up the book the Little Red Riding Hood.

"Who's the cast?" Tsunade asked, leaning from her far away chair.

Cast:

Little Red Riding Hood- Hinata (post-confidence lessons)

Grandma- Zabuza

Wolf- Kiba

Hunter- Itachi

Little Red Riding Hood's Mother- Tsunami

"Er…Zabuza's a guy…" Chouji began.

"So?" Kanjii threw a wrench at him. "Crossdressers are hot."

Everyone, except Rayne, stared dumbly. Rayne nodded dumbly.


End file.
